Self-Compassion is for Badasses
Let me give you a hypothetical situation.
You are having a really rough time. You don't feel like you're doing anything right. You made a mistake at work, you feel guilty about not spending more time with your kids, and you haven't been to the gym in months.
Now, how would you respond to you in this situation. What would you tell yourself? Before you read ahead, really take a second to think about how you would react.
Ready?
Okay, now read the above situation again and replace "You" with "Your best friend."
Your best friend is having a really rough time. They don't feel like they're doing anything right. They made a mistake at work, they feel guilty about not spending more time with their kids, and they haven't been to the gym in months.
How would you respond to your best friend in this situation? What would you tell them? How would you show up for them?
Notice a difference in how you would show up for your best friend and how you would show up for yourself?
This is because we are typically very good at showing compassion to others and notoriously bad at showing compassion to ourselves. Why aren't we able to share the same compassion we give to others with ourselves?
Being self-compassionate is HARD! In fact, I titled this article "Self-Compassion is for Badasses," because I feel there is this assumption that self-compassion is soft, but it is the exact opposite. It means accepting that failure, pain, and suffering are a natural part of life. It means accepting that we're not perfect and never will be.
That's a really scary place for some people to live in. In fact, I think a lot of people would say that their high standards and reach for perfection are a part of what has gotten them to where they are today. And this may be true up to a point, but research shows that we have WAY more to gain by showing ourselves the same compassion we show our best friends - hell, I think a lot of people would show strangers more compassion than they would show to themselves!
Dr. Kristen Neff is the foremost expert on self-compassion. She outlines that for self-compassion to be present, you need to have three elements:
Self-kindness vs Self-judgement - Being kind to yourself in the face of suffering vs flagellation or criticism
Common Humanity vs Isolation - Acknowledgment that suffering is part of the human experience and you are not alone
Mindfulness vs Over-identification - Observing your emotions with openness so that you do not get caught up in them
The benefit? More resilience. A growth-mindset. Quicker recovery after a fall.
At some point or another, we will all fall. How much compassion will you show yourself to help you stand back up?
Here are a few exercises you can try today to begin building habits of self-compassion.
Write yourself a letter acknowledging that whatever you are feeling right in this moment is 100% okay.
Put the phrase "I am a work in progress and that is a good thing" somewhere in view.
Ask yourself "What would I tell my best friend in this situation?" the next time you begin to feel self-critical.
Begin a small, daily meditation habit to help you bring awareness to your emotions (even just one minute can help!)
I see you, you self-compassionate badass.