Beyond Willpower: Setting Boundaries You Can’t Break

Last week I found myself on my phone AGAIN when I told myself I would put it down and be present with my kids on a Sunday morning. They were playing with playdough and didn’t really need me, but I felt guilty that I was only half-present. I wanted to be present. The phone was just too much of a draw when my attention was not fully engaged. And this was not the first time.

So, I forced a boundary on myself and put my phone in my room before going back to be fully present.

Sometimes, willpower is not enough.

Can you relate?

If you find yourself struggling with holding boundaries, I invite you to try what I like to call “forced boundaries.” There’s probably a more correct psychology-based term for this, but I couldn’t find it. Please share if you know what it is!

What are forced boundaries?

Forced boundaries are barriers imposed by the nature of their existence and environment. Most importantly, forced boundaries don’t rely on willpower.

What do forced boundaries look like?

Let me give you an example…

Sally wants to do a better job at holding her boundary to not work past 5 p.m. She knows this boundary is really hard to keep by sheer willpower alone. She’s always tempted to say “yes” to just one more request or one more email because she truly likes showing up for her team. Normally, Sally’s husband is on daycare pick-up duty and Sally can ignore that 5 p.m. time without consequence. But Sally wants to maintain that 5 p.m. boundary, so she decides she will take daycare pick-up duty instead. Sally has created a forced boundary for herself. The consequence of working past 5 p.m. and being late for daycare pick-up is not a boundary she will ignore.

In this example, Sally is “tricking” herself into holding the boundary without relying on willpower alone.

Willpower takes a lot of mental and emotional energy and often asks us to subconsciously pit our values against each other (will I take this hour for a workout or spend this time getting ahead in emails?).

Sometimes, it’s easier and less energy-draining to proactively create forced boundaries within your environment so that the choice isn’t even available.

If there’s a boundary you’re struggling to hold, I encourage you to think about how you can leverage your environment to force the boundary. Technology has some great uses here!

For example…

1)      Many phones now have a Do Not Disturb function where you can set limits for apps or turn off phone calls or text messages during certain times. You can even password-protect it – get someone else to set the password so you can’t override it.

2)      Use a system like Calendly for scheduling and setting your availability. I LOVE this system because it takes away my ability to offer up more time than I have available. I am WAY too eager to shift my calendar for someone else and value their time over my own.

3)      Look for ways to set up your calendar so you’re not tempted to ignore things you want to do but find yourself lacking in energy or motivation: schedule a workout class instead of just going to the gym or make a date with a friend to go for a walk in the evening instead of being tempted to get back on your computer or scroll social media.

In a perfect world, we’d all be great at holding boundaries and doing exactly what we want to do. Unfortunately, the world is not perfect and there’s no point in berating ourselves for not doing the things we want when those things take a lot of energy! We can leverage our environment and the technology we have at hand to create forced boundaries and make our lives easier. And I am ALL for easier!