It’s Not You—It’s the Challenge: Reframing Feedback on Executive Presence

“You just don’t command the room.” “You’re too aggressive.”

Few pieces of feedback sting more than being told you don’t have the right executive presence. For many leaders, it feels deeply personal and unactionable. I often hear leaders respond with some version of: “But this is just who I am!” They get defensive and frustrated, and honestly, rightfully so.

But here’s the truth: executive presence isn’t about becoming someone you’re not. It’s about balancing authenticity with impact so that your communication lands the way you intend. That balance doesn’t mean changing who you are. It means channeling it so others can see it clearly.

This is not about your identity. This is about your impact.

From “It’s Me” to “It’s a Challenge”

When feedback is internalized as a critique of you, it’s hard not to feel defensive. But if you flip it into a description of the impact your style is having, you create space for growth without compromising authenticity.

Let’s take a couple of common examples:

• “I’m too quiet.”
  The challenge isn’t you. The challenge is that people aren’t hearing your perspective. Your thoughtfulness may be a strength, but if your ideas never reach the table, the team misses out. Framed this way, the goal becomes finding ways to make your voice heard, not changing who you are.

• “I’m too aggressive or assertive.”
  Again, the issue isn’t your drive or conviction. The challenge is that others may not feel heard or may hesitate to share their input. Reframed this way, you don’t need to shrink your passion; you need to build in moments that invite others in.

In both cases, the feedback isn’t telling you to stop being authentic. It’s pointing to a gap between your intention and the perception of others.

Why Reframing Works

When you separate the challenge from your identity, the problem becomes solvable. You’re no longer locked in a tug-of-war between “being myself” and “being who they want me to be.” Instead, you’re aligning your authentic self with the impact you want to have.

Reframing also shifts the emotional weight. Instead of hearing, “You’re too much” or “You’re not enough,” you hear, “Here’s the gap in how others experience you.” That subtle distinction makes it far easier to experiment, adjust, and grow without feeling like you’re betraying yourself.

Moving Forward

If you’ve ever bristled at feedback around executive presence, try asking yourself: What’s the challenge here?

• Is the room not hearing my ideas?

• Are people not feeling included?

• Is my message getting lost in delivery?

Framing feedback in terms of challenges doesn’t erase the discomfort, but it does make the next step clear. You get to stay rooted in what makes you you, while flexing your approach so others can connect with it.

That’s the real power of executive presence. We don’t need 100 robots showing up in the exact same way. We need your unique strengths, AND we need others to be able to receive them. Let’s not abandon your authenticity. Let’s project it so it resonates.